Following My Dharma Through Careers: Cooking, Exotic Dancing, and Mindfulness

 A Little Bit More Dharma…

Following My Dharma Through Careers:

Cooking, Exotic Dancing, and Mindfulness

Introduction

While writing last week’s piece, “The Meaning of Dharma,” I got to thinking about my current life path. I looked at the values of Seva and Ahimsa I spoke of when covering the Sikhs and Jains. I started thinking about what was really important to me- and in the middle of patting myself on the back about how great I am doing with starting this business, I realized that actually, I could be doing a lot better. With the help of the lovely support network I have had around me, including my husband, daughter, sisters, and loyal, uplifting friends, I have accomplished so much! It has been amazing, yet something is still off.

I realize that my path needs to shift to align more with my core values. In this blog post, I will delve into a little bit of my work history, how I got to the point of starting Little Bit of Dharma (originally planned to be an online yoga and meditation business), what didn’t quite work out as I had envisioned, and where I’ll be going from here.

“I Been Everywhere, Man.”

I have worked at over forty different jobs in my life. I have followed vastly different career paths.

As a kid, I wanted to be a veterinarian, a writer, or missionary.

My whole life, I knew that I loved family, nature, researching and reading, making art, writing (constantly). Most importantly, I knew that I wanted to make a difference in the world on a big scale by doing small acts daily to make a little positive difference in the life of the planet and the lives of the people I encountered.

Over the years, I’ve tried to stay true to this sense of myself, while also existing in a world where I was being constantly invalidated by others. I felt that I had to do what I was told by those who were older, wiser, and therefore knew better. As you can imagine, this was a difficult task, and I was miserable as I was torn between two different directions in life. I didn’t trust myself, and that led me to trust whoever made the best case for my compliance- be it an abusive partner, an egotistical boss, controlling friends, or even abusive family members.

No one valued me, so I didn’t think I was worth valuing and, consequently, was grateful for anyone willing to work with me, date me, or give me the attention for which I was so starved. It took a long time to get to the place where I am today: knowing my innate value and the awesome gift of this body, this mind, and this time on this beautiful planet with you and all the rest of the amazing life that abounds.

While I lived my life for others without much regard to myself, I chose several jobs that were nonsensical for me.

I was told to “do what you can do until you can afford to do what you want to do” by my older brother. I knew school (a place where I aced tests but failed due to truancy) was no place for me to learn anything, so I quit at age 16 and got my GED, planning to go to photography school early. But my family had no faith in me and viewed my quitting as another punk ass idea. I was told I wasn’t smart, only good at taking tests, that I wouldn’t be able to get grants or money for school, that it would be a waste for me to even spend the money to apply.

I was shamed into not returning to school. I tried to sell my photos in coffee shops -and they did sell, but I was pricing them at $60 a pop and not making ends meet because I didn’t think I was worth more.

By now, I was 19, divorced from a brief abusive marriage I had entered to get away from my abusive family, and I had no one backing me. I felt I didn’t deserve any love or support anyway. 

Back when I had quit high school to pursue art, my brother (a French sous chef) attempted to force me to read The Apprentice: My Life in the Kitchen by Jacques Pepin. He barged into my room, basically told me I was a fuck-up and I wasn’t quitting school. I told him it was too late and he basically threw the book at me, commanded me to read it and write a report on it. I think he was trying to be a good brother, but he sucked at it, having not had enough practice.

I never wrote the essay for my brother, but I love to read so I read the book.

Dharma Moment #1 – I Am Capable (And Might Even Be Talented)

I felt immensely inspired- Jacques has had had a long, wild life. His mother flipped restaurants in France before and during World War II. Jacques worked on farms in the countryside, worked in kitchen after kitchen that his mother flipped, apprenticed in Paris, worked at famous restaurants like Hotel Le Pavillion, cooked in the French Navy, was the personal chef to the likes of Charles DeGaulle, and came to America not knowing any English yet graduated from Columbia University.

A true artist to behold, I became a huge fan. The way he cooks wastes no movement and produces food with such depth of flavor, such artful presentation- he brings out the very essence of any raw ingredient.

More than that, he didn’t complain about his hardships. He was in France in the 30s and 40s, he was an immigrant to New York City without knowing a word of English. Instead of complaining about the ways in which this impacted his life negatively, he only spoke about how he responded to the situations he found himself in- and this was often with laughter, humility, and a deep respect for food as much more than physical nourishment.

For a little while, my brother would have me over to the house he lived at with his girlfriend and her dad who was an old hippie photographer. George had prints of photos he had taken of Hendrix performing in a club before anyone knew who Hendrix was. I would talk about photography with George, and my brother would teach me some French Cuisine- before he lost patience with me and stopped having me over.

After having read Jacques book and spending that time with my brother and George, I realized I was capable and that I could be in control of my life. I went back to school to study business and religion. I had a full college schedule, was taking Tae Kwan Do, and working two jobs. I was awake all the time. The energy you have in your early twenties is wild. I needed a way to loosen up before Tae Kwan Do and discovered yoga through a DVD: Yoga for Energy & Relaxation with instructor Tamal Dodge. I did Yoga for Relaxation and experienced a state of calm I thought only possible with sedatives. I was hooked.

At age 21, I had been cooking and studying techniques for a couple years so I figured I’d take the advice and do what I could. I applied for a job washing dishes, and the first day someone was too high to come to work, I jumped on their station and learned their job. That’s how you move up in kitchens.

I worked hard and learned every station in the kitchen, kept acquiring new skills. I used my skills to move up and, after a few years, eventually became a banquet chef, a sous chef and head chef at different places. 

At 22, my mom died. I had to quit school and Tae Kwan Do. I had nothing else, so I threw myself into my work. Living on my own suddenly, with no savings in one of the most expensive states on the East Coast, I soon experienced housing instability, so I took to the road. 

I became a traveling chef for the next 9 years. I worked in various kitchens across 26 states (mostly in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and North Carolina). I stayed with family members I didn’t know well or church members who had heard of my plight. I’d offer to help clean house and watch the kids, while working in the food industry during the day. Usually, I found, people let you stay if you stay out of the way, and if they never have to do the dishes.

I tried not to think of how hard it was, or how sad I was. I tried so hard not to be a burden while knowing that my situation was innately burdensome. The only self-love I had at this point came from a desperate clinging to the Christian faith. It was Christians who took me in, perhaps on the merit of me being Christian as well, but I think mostly because these particular Christians were simply good people, regardless.

I loved cooking as an art, I enjoyed the quiet solitude and time to think during morning prep work, and felt my first taste of teamwork at rushes, where even people who didn’t like one another would put their differences aside for a greater cause. I enjoyed the detail and gentleness of technique I learned as I continued my studies of French Cuisine. I found myself tougher after having to deal with the men in the back of the house. I found a new way of dealing with people who tried to bring me down.

I also saw the country.

Dharma Moment #2- I Can Be Myself (Just A Little)

I’d drive for days, stoned on loud music, mountain air, and American Spirit cigarettes tipped with Mary Jane.

Rolling through the Appalachian Mountains in West Virginia, windows down to greet the misty mountain air- or chasing 3pm for hours as I drove out west through the flat, waving farmland at the center of the states, backwards through our time zones- these were the only times in my 20s I felt safe being myself fully.

I reveled in the fact that, at times, no one in the whole world knew where I was. My GPS wouldn’t always work in the mountains and most rural of roads and so I learned how to read a road map, and highway signs. I wasn’t too shy to ask for directions either, finding people give better directions in the South than in New York City, where they send you the wrong way for fun.

I’d stop to walk my dog, and only companion, a cockapoo named Cocoa that my mom had left to me when she died. I talked with people from all over. I’d been accustomed to traveling alone since I was a kid on Amtrak, but I always made friends on my travels- there were just too many beautiful people with too many wild stories.

When it was time to move on, it became easier and easier to say goodbye. I barely felt it after a short time. I barely felt anything, after a while.

I’d been used to being alone more than anything else, at that point.

In fact, I think the only thing keeping me sane and able to do any of this was my continued Yoga practice, and my journal.

I spent time out in Ohio and met my dad, my sisters, and became “Aunt Kelsey” to their kids. I stopped in Virginia and New Jersey to visit relatives who had known my mom and heard new stories about her, trying to figure out how I got here living this bizarre life. Zi was traumatized and trying to figure out a mother I always wanted to be near but who seemed to always push me away- a whole person now merely reduced to stories, and ash.

I taught Yoga behind the grill to people who could’t focus on their jbs because of legal and family dramas in their lives. I taught Yoga to stressed out moms; to kids in poverty who just wanted to move and surprised themselves by learning to slow down and breathe instead. I taught people in recovery and active addiction, and I personally used Yoga as my only reprieve, setting up my mat at rest stops on the highway, parks, and down by whatever river was closest- my favorite spot being down by the Ohio River, the flood wall behind me, Kentucky (and the stump-covered hole of my groundhog-friend’s home) in front.  

I made beautiful dishes, and I worked everywhere from fine dining to truck stops. This life was somewhat amazing, but dramatic and physically exhausting. I was working 9-12 hour days on my feet and constantly trying to figure out where to stay as I traveled. When I got tired of cooking, I’d take a break and find for as a barista in some café instead.

Dharma Moment #3- I Can Control With Whom I Associate

I’ve never enjoyed eating meat. Ever since I understood where it came from, it turned my stomach. I was 6 when I saw the movie Babe, and that acted as the catalyst for all of this.

Part of my job at almost all of these places involved skinning, boning, filleting, grinding, and otherwise disfiguring and cooking the body parts of my animal brothers and sisters. I became extremely skilled in the artful destruction of several species.

Despite having been a vegetarian whenever I had the choice as a kid, I started eating meat again at age 19 when the church I joined, and the people around me, told me it was “unchristian” to be a vegetarian because God put animals here for us to eat. Desperate to fit in and do everything right, I began eating meat, nearly crying during my pre-meal prayers of thanksgiving. I attempted to embrace cognitive dissonance in this regard to preserve my career and my community. Being already so much of an outcast, I couldn’t face another strike against me. This ideology led me to deny myself in more ways than one.

I finally stopped eating meat for good after working in a vegan restaurant in Fort Collins, Colorado- ironically while living in Greeley, the site of one of the largest slaughterhouses in the country. I was living with my older sister and her boyfriend, who had both adopted a vegan lifestyle.

I realized that I could change the people I was around and that if I did, I wouldn’t be the odd one out.

It didn’t work out in Colorado, and I was broke by the time I found another place to lay my head that wasn’t my car.

I came back to Jersey and vowed to be a vegan again, my last non-vegan meal being some slow-smoked ribs my dad made out behind my grandma’s house in Ohio, with the help of his smoker and his most prized secrets. It was the first gift he’d ever given me. The only thing I miss about eating meat is the way traditional foods bring families together- but it turns out you can still be a family without killing animals and eating their flesh.

I still wasn’t being fully true to myself, but at least I got back one part of my personal Dharma.

Dharma Moment #4 – I Have Something People Want (And I’m Beautiful)

I never worked in the food industry again, instead exploring different ways I could potentially help people and animals. I rooted around and moved to Pennsylvania- this time with my fiancé. I became a Vet Tech, but I couldn’t deal with people putting down dogs that “wouldn’t behave” (plus a god-awful commute to North Jersey from Eastern PA didn’t thrill me), so I left and began working at Easter Seals where I helped adults with (what today would be called severe) autism.

These were non-verbal 20–70-year-olds who needed help accomplishing goals and volunteering out in the community. It was fun and rewarding, but then the pandemic hit, and I got pregnant, so I stopped working for a time.

The pressure again began to build up for me to find some way to make money. That’s when, in 2022, me and my neighbor/maid of honor decided to go to a strip club just for fun one night.

The women there seemed liberated, glamorous, and confident. We were new moms: broke, unhappy with various aspects of our lives, and looking for a way to dig ourselves out. We signed up.

Again, this ended up not being the place for me. I am too queer, too demisexual, and too unimpressed by the types of men who enter these clubs. The other dancers, (while full of drama), were mostly wonderful people who taught me to appreciate my own physical and personal attributes.

I learned I could do amazing things with my body. I had never been able to do two pushups in gym class, but after some practice, I was able to get up on the pole and do some tricks.

I saw the gritty side of the club. I was in the dressing room, learning tips for contouring my legs, or helping some girl check that her tampon string was tucked. I was friends with some of them, in competition with everyone. I made money, I got in better shape, I looked after the new girls, tried to avoid the rooms and make all my money on stage to avoid the men (definitely NOT a good business model if you’re a stripper).

I taught yoga here, too- to dancers who really should have been stretching more, and men who threw money if I promised to show them an asana or two on stage.

I thought I was empowered, but soon realized that, for me, I only felt more exploited and discarded.

After a while, I was able to see reality for the first time after years of being unaware of my own disassociation.

I was forced to confront my sexuality, my trauma, my lack of boundaries, self-esteem, self-protection, and my lack of a path. All of it was shoved in my face. It forced me to snap out of it.

After I woke up from this state of disassociation, I realized that this was no place for me, so in the middle of talking up a potential client, I said, “You know what, keep the drink,” walked upstairs, grabbed my bag and peaced-out, mid-shift. I quit just like that.

I took the newfound confidence in my body, my beauty, and my artistic and physical abilities with me. I decided that if I could do anything from being a traveling chef, assisting with surgery on a dog, or learning poll tricks and floor work for tips in a skeevy bar then perhaps I should throw caution to the wind and try to do what I want in life instead of letting EVERYONE else decide for me.

So, it was back to school (and therapy- of course), this time to study yoga and meditation. I had dreams of becoming a “real” yoga teacher, in a studio. I did course after course, becoming certified several times over.

As I became healthier mentally, physically, and socially, I began to dream of helping people with all those things that had helped me. I dreamt of getting the world back in touch with themselves, and making a difference for those people that are trampled, forgotten, and made to feel like dirt. Because no one should feel that way.

 

“Everything to Everyone.”

With a very supportive spouse at my side, I decided to start my own online yoga business. This was well-intentioned, but in practice, my actions didn’t match up to  to my core values. Here’s why it didn’t work:

·        I wanted to work from home but still help people- but I realized that all my time would be wrapped up in getting my name out there, with precious little time for my family or my practice

·        I detest social media, and with an online business, that became a big part of my day-to-day

·        I thought Yoga was the main offering- but I realized that I have so much more to offer, especially with my writing and volunteer work

·        I wasn’t being true to how I naturally connect- I don’t want a life full of class schedules and marketing, I want a life of true connection, where I can focus on the people my work touches

·        The wellness industry norms are not me- I can’t be a pristine perfect labrador retriever-type. I have to be real with you. I can’t sell toxic positivity, and I can’t lie and say that all your problems will fade away if you can pay for my classes: I know it goes deeper than that

·        I feel that the people I care about are nearly invisible in this industry -and I won’t waste my life serving people who don’t need me when there are those who do

·        I had no time to spend with my daughter- Outside of homeschool, all my time was taken up on tasks I didn’t enjoy. I get one chance to be there for my kid’s childhood, and I don’t want to miss it.

 

“Got To Be Real, It’s Got To Be Real”

Things won’t be changing all that much, just some minor tweaks so that I can focus on what’s important, to me

What I’m Keeping:

·        Free Meditation Classes Every Saturday- Because people deserve to learn these techniques from a skilled teacher, and more importantly, from someone who has been there

·        Writing and Illustrating- Publishing Papercuts was so freeing; I cannot wait to finish up with the illustrations on my upcoming children’s book- a collaboration with my clever daughter.

·        Dharma Bands for Charity- I will always have some side project going that supports worthwhile charities such as The Big Cats Initiative Doctors Without Borders, Farm Sanctuary, and Afripads Uganda. There is no reason not to and every reason to keep going. Plus the bracelets are so fun and cute

·        Patreon Offerings- Including affordable yoga classes (as a part of a bigger purpose, not as the whole business), with support from my blog and podcasts

 

 

Where I’m Going Now & What I’m Focusing On:

·        Writing & Creating- I’ll be more focused on freelance articles and blog posts, with an exciting new non-fiction book I am working on about mental health and entheogens. I look forward to sharing my art and writing with you all, as well as the collaborations I have with my daughter on her book Marshmallows at the Beach, and my partner on our podcasts Something in the Way: The Dharma of the Mind, and Expansion Pak: A gaming and Culture Podcast

·        Free Meditation, Low-Cost & Accessible Yoga for Trauma- and a teacher not doing it just for profit. If you stumble upon my classes on Patreon or my website, LittleBitofDharma.PPCBrands.com, and you think you could use the support, show up. I’ll be there.

·        Supporting others through my story through honesty, embodied wisdom, and creating a space where others can be gentle to themselves.

·        Homeschooling My Daughter- My joie de vivre- and what brought me to Philly in the first place!

·        A Life of Dharmic Integration- creation, mindfulness, activism, and family all woven together

 

Conclusion

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” 
-Kurt Cobain

Dharma isn’t something static; it changes and reveals itself through time. It becomes refined as we make mistakes and grow. Who you are right now may be far from who you are next year; what’s important is that you keep reassessing as you grow and stay true to yourself.

 

I urge you to take this moment to ask yourself, “Am I living for myself?” and if the answer is no, let me be the friend that says “Well…why not?”

 

Peace,

<3Kels